A week from tomorrow, I fly to Oahu with Lili, as do Frank and Jeremy. Valerie will be with the girls, and the kitties. I keep thinking of her and Disa almost ten years ago. I miss everyone so much.
I’ve been doing a lot of mediation and relaxation, positive affirmations, guided imagery. I’m pretty sure it has helped with anxiety and fear. I get pretty weepy at times, but am pretty good at just experiencing it and then noticing something else to focus on. I’m sure in a great spot for that. I’m so lucky and grateful.
No matter what device I’m on, my browsers are full of Dr. Google and random brain tumor surgery research. I seem to be one of those patients — the more I know, the more comfortable I feel, at least to a certain point.
Usually, some time around mid-day, my headache and general weirdnesses will prompt me to say fuck it and take a xanax. I’ve started getting a twitch on my right eye lid and behind my right eye. Feeling a twitch in the middle of your head is really, really creepy. It’s most likely because my fun tumor is pressing on the nerves that control eye movement. So damn strange. I find it interesting for about a minute, then it’s pop a pill time, take a long nap, which usually resets me and I’ll be up for a bit in the evening.
I sometimes feel sad or guilty about spending so much time sleeping. What if this is the last week? Catholic guilt sure isn’t good for much, and I’m hoping the surgeon can extract it while removing the tumor.
I’m trying to think of positive outcomes, too — imagine how I’ll be when the mid-brain is properly supplied instead of being compressed! What if I get a sense of direction? Depth perception?!
The most common deficits from the surgical path in between the hemispheres will be communication, no surprise. It’ll most likely come back, just take time. I’m already having a lot of trouble already, so maybe it’ll be better, or just different. I’m tired of waiting and wondering and just want to get on with it. I remind myself that you know it’s bad when a craniotomy sounds goods. It’s just brain surgery, said no one ever.
Lili had a birthday, and I think she likes my present. Will she ever actually take it off? Hmm. And to think she was convinced she didn’t look good in hats. Ha! It looks great. Another Tilley hat
addict convert! I noticed that they finally have a purple hat, but only for children. No fair! Even the large is way too small for me. Dang it.
I made her a Hellman’s Mayo Chocolate cake with cream cheese frosting, and I stashed away a bunch of cupcakes for emergencies.