Starting Over

I’ve got a lot going on, and I used to write to sort stuff out. I haven’t been able to do much writing since the last brain surgery, but I’m going to make an effort again to see if it will help. Things are sort of crazy in my life right now, and I need to get it straightened out.

A year ago tomorrow, I had the surgery that removed the infected piece of skull from my head. I remember being so disappointed in needing that surgery. I had been feeling so much better and was healing and starting my life over! Then another surgery, living with a hole in my head for four months, another surgery, blah blah blah. I mean, it all worked out well in the end and the tumor is gone and I’m starting over again, this time for sure. It’ll be nice to be done with the one year anniversaries of all this stuff, I think.

I really am starting over, and it’s really odd. I’m not making enough money at the farm to have my own place, and I want my own place, so I took another job, at a really cool pizza place. Want I want to do there is hold a brunch on the weekends, but in the meantime, we’re getting a new place up and running doing pizza and beer, and hopefully brunch and breakfast will happen soon. I’m a morning person, and I really only do well when the sun is shining, so I have high hopes that it happens soon. I’m still working with the folks at the farm, but the kitchen thing there didn’t work out because of all the costs of permitting a commercial kitchen, so that’s been really disappointing. I thought I had my new life sorted out, but oh well.

I’m also trying to figure out where to live. Hawaii is really expensive, and I have three dogs and not much income. Frank isn’t coming to Hawaii, so I’m truly on my own for the first time. We will be married 28 years this December, and will make it official and get divorced Real Soon Now. We are still good friends, but to be honest, the marriage part of our relationship was over before I found out I had the brain tumor. I’m glad we are still good friends, though. No ugliness at all between us, and I’m very grateful for that. I have a lot of learning to do — I never did any of the money management in all our years together. There were many years when I made really good money, but he always managed everything. I’m a bit whiny about having to grow up and learn that, dang it.

I’ve been trying to decide how and where to live. There are literal lots of old lava that are pretty cheap, and then you build on top of that. I have a friend who will sell me one, owner finance, near other friends, and I’m leaning in that direction. In the meantime, I’m still living in a room that the crew here owns, and I’m grateful that. I’m just ready to have my own place, with privacy, space for my own stuff. I feel like a teenager all over again.

I did get a vehicle of my own, though, go me. Baby steps, right?

I don’t think I’ve ever really lived on my own. Dorm room in college, rented a room after, then married with kids, then divorced with kids, then to NH with Frank, and all the moving around we did (Vermont, Missouri). Then here with Lili, sharing a room and bed with Megan. I’m itching for my own place, not a shared house. I’m eager to see what I come up with. Frank keeps wanting to send me some of my stuff, but I don’t have anywhere to put it. I’m not sure what of it I really even want. He’s using all the furniture and stuff like that. It doesn’t make sense to send me my Fiestaware, for example. Not worth the shipping, and it’ll probably break in transit.

When I need to think, I go sit by the ocean with the girls. Getting in the water makes us all feel better. Just listening to the ocean calms my brain, which is racing with stuff lately.

Baby steps, self. It’s a new adventure, starting over in my fifties. I’m not even Brain Tumor Lisa anymore. Time to figure out who I am. Google told me this was me ten years ago, and today.